M&M’s Survival of the Fittest


A bizarre ‘Best of Craigslist‘ posting, from a man in Tampa Bay:

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

M&M’s Survival of the Fittest

9 Comments leave a comment below

  1. lol… what a funny idea. we used to check boiled eggs as kids. ;)

  2. This post has made my day! I’m heading out for some M&Ms right away!

  3. Wow…

    An art school teacher of mine explained these exact UMMFC (hehe, snort) rules (illustrated them as well, I might ad) and passed them out ten years ago… Makes one wonder how far back this tournament style was developed…

    Nepalese monks, perhaps?

  4. Next time I’m in Tampa, I would like to introduce Lorraine to this guy. I bet he’s fabulous… :)

  5. simply hilarious!

    this is something I can easily imagine Shrute from OFFICE sitcom would say

  6. That was hilarious. All we need now is some enterprising TV Producer to hook this guy up with that inmate in South Carolina or wherever who keeps filing those crazy made-up lawsuits and film the results. That would be a reality show I’d tune in for.

  7. So freaking funny! Thanks for making me laugh today!

  8. This piece has been circulating for years – I first read it ten+ years ago and spent a few high school lunch periods smashing m&ms. Glad to see it’s getting some more attention.