“You don’t get to pick your family of origin or the place you grow up. But you do get to choose your friends, and those choices say something about the kind of world you want for yourself. This is one of the many ways friendship is political. We’re not just talking about whether you have people in your life who voted for the opposite party or whether you’re carpooling to the protest march with your friends. We’re talking about small-p politics, or “the total complex of relations between people living in society,” as the dictionary puts it. White people can’t be surprised that white supremacists are marching in the streets if their own lives are racially segregated. The choices that each of us makes every day about who we include in our lives end up shaping the larger world we live in.”
There’s a Divide in Even the Closest Interracial Friendships Including ours, By Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman
“Of course I knew I was white, just like you do. I just didn’t consciously identify myself that way. Maybe it’s because it felt like it was unnecessary to acknowledge, or because it felt like the default, or because it felt embarrassing for reasons I could not yet articulate. But before that day, “white” was in the silent backdrop of how I defined myself, and then, the day I went viral, something shifted. I suddenly saw my own race as important, as having meaning, meaning that I had yet to fully understand.”
A Love Letter to All the Overwhelmed White People Who Are Trying, by Melissa DePino
Call-outs make people fearful of being targeted. People avoid meaningful conversations when hypervigilant perfectionists point out apparent mistakes, feeding the cannibalistic maw of the cancel culture. Shaming people for when they “woke up” presupposes rigid political standards for acceptable discourse and enlists others to pile on. Sometimes it’s just ruthless hazing.
We can change this culture. Calling-in is simply a call-out done with love. Some corrections can be made privately. Others will necessarily be public, but done with respect. It is not tone policing, protecting white fragility or covering up abuse. It helps avoid the weaponization of suffering that prevents constructive healing.
Calling-in engages in debates with words and actions of healing and restoration, and without the self-indulgence of drama. And we can make productive choices about the terms of the debate: Conflicts about coalition-building, supporting candidates or policies are a routine and desirable feature of a pluralistic democracy.
I Think Call-Out Culture Is Toxic, by Loretta Ross
“Life is sometimes hard. Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do.
Make good art.
I’m serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art. IRS on your trail? Make good art. Cat exploded? Make good art. Somebody on the Internet thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it’s all been done before? Make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn’t matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art.”
“Make Good Art”, by Neil Gaiman
Next time you buy anything, ask yourself these questions:
1. Can I work around the problem with a repair, modification, or change in use?
2. If I buy this, what else am I not buying?
3. Can I afford this?
4. Will this item help me do things I can’t do now?
5. Will buying this item significantly increase my enjoyment of X?
6. How often will I use this in the next year? In the next five years?
7.Will this item become obsolete in the near term?
8. Is this item repairable?
9,Do I really need ‘the best’? What is a good second choice?
10. Can I buy something used that will do the job?
11. Am I supporting a business I know and like? Do our values align?
From this article: Buy less, do more with good enough gear.
(via Dense Discovery, currently hands-down my favorite newsletter)
“I have a theory—based on my experience interviewing thousands of people—that we humans are able to achieve wholeness and well-being in direct proportion to how we receive love. Not how the love is given, but how we are able to process and accept it.”
“I believe love when it comes in. It’s one of the most profound revelations I’ve ever heard. Love is all around, showing up in small offerings and dramatic encounters and everyday gestures. But we can’t receive it if we’re fixated on finding it in a package called “parent” or “husband” or “lover”—whatever label fits the story you’ve told yourself.”
How Oprah Taught Her Daughters From South Africa to Accept Love
911 OPERATOR: 911—what’s your emergency?
ROBERT: Hi, I . . . uh . . . I work from home.
Read the full New Yorker post, I work from home, by Colin Nissan. Funny.
“The point of it all is not to exhaust myself trying to build a body of work that eclipses my life, but to create a heart-centered body of work.”
— Holley M. Kholi-Murchison
What does time well spent mean to you? Resources to help you reflect.
“How we spend our time is how we spend our days. How we spend our days is how our life goes. How our life goes determines whether we thought it was worth living.”
— Keith Yamashita
Keith reflecting on his relationship to time. Wonderful.
“Much of what ruins the present is sheer anxiety. The present always contains an enormous number of possibilities, some hugely gruesome, which we are constantly aware of in the background. Anything could theoretically happen, an earthquake, an aneurysm, a rejection – which gives rise to the non-specific anxiety that trails most of us around all the time; the simple dread at the unknownness of what is to come.”
The Difficulty of Being in the Present
“The basement of your soul is much deeper than you knew. Some people look into the hidden depths of themselves and they realize that success won’t fill those spaces. Only a spiritual life and unconditional love from family and friends will do. They realize how lucky they are. They are down in the valley, but their health is O.K.; they’re not financially destroyed; they’re about to be dragged on an adventure that will leave them transformed.”
— David Brooks
Thank you Jocelyn for reminding me of one of my favorite reads of 2019: Two-Mountain People
“According to numerous studies, emotion is a basic currency for remembering content. A listener must connect emotionally to what they hear in order to remember what the speaker says. Simply, we remember most vividly the events in our lives in which we were most emotionally impacted.”
Do You Need Charisma to Be a Great Public Speaker?, by Sarah Gershman
This post by Holly Whitaker is full of useful tips on how to build a sobriety toolbox.
I have been on a journey of cutting down on alcohol for a good year now and Kava tea has really helped me substitute that glass of wine at night.
I also started tracking days where I didn’t drink any alcohol at all to have a visual reminder of how I am shifting my habits. I use an app called DONE for that. Besides ‘not drinking’ I track when I meditate, do something physical, dance, didn’t eat sugar.
My goal is not to cut drinking alcohol all together but to be more aware why I am drinking. When I am with friends and I am having a good time, I totally want to enjoy a glass of wine. When I am home alone and want to “numb” with alcohol, I now stop myself. I replace that glass of wine with tea, meditation, a bath, etc. Small steps.
“It’s so very hard, receiving. When you give something, you’re in much greater control. But when you receive something, you’re so vulnerable.”
The Mister Rogers No One Saw, By Jeanne Marie Laskas
“It’s a verb. It’s an active engagement with all kinds of feelings—positive ones and primitive ones and loathsome ones. But it’s a very active verb. And it’s often surprising how it can kind of ebb and flow. It’s like the moon. We think it’s disappeared, and suddenly it shows up again. It’s not a permanent state of enthusiasm.”
Full article: Love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm
“Marriage is an aggregate of multiple narratives. It belongs to the people who are in it, but it also belongs to the people who are supporting it and living around it: family, friends, community. As I once said, and it became a kind of a saying for me, when you pick a partner, you pick a story, and then you find yourself in a play you never auditioned for. And that is when the narratives clash.”
— Esther Perel
Full article: Love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm
“In any bond of depth and significance, forgive, forgive, forgive. And then forgive again. The richest relationships are lifeboats, but they are also submarines that descend to the darkest and most disquieting places, to the unfathomed trenches of the soul where our deepest shames and foibles and vulnerabilities live, where we are less than we would like to be. Forgiveness is the alchemy by which the shame transforms into the honor and privilege of being invited into another’s darkness and having them witness your own with the undimmed light of love, of sympathy, of nonjudgmental understanding. Forgiveness is the engine of buoyancy that keeps the submarine rising again and again toward the light, so that it may become a lifeboat once more.”
13 Life-Learnings from 13 Years of Brain Pickings. Happy blog-birthday Maria!
“People’s ability to connect is the glue that holds our culture together. By thinning out our interactions and splintering our media landscape, the Internet has taken away the common ground we need to understand one another. Each of us is becoming more confident about our own world just as it drifts farther from the worlds of others. Empathy requires us to understand that even people who disagree with us have a lived experience as deep as our own. But in the fractured landscape of social media, we have little choice but to see the other side as obtuse, dishonest or both. Unless we reverse this trend and revive empathy, we have little chance of mending the tears in our social fabric.”
The Technology of Kindness, by Jamil Zaki
“It’s a rather simple question that quickly gets to the core of someone’s sense of well-being and legitimacy: did your childhood leave you feeling that you were – on balance – OK as you were? Or did you somewhere along the way derive an impression that you needed to be extraordinary in order to deserve a place on the earth?”
Overcoming the Need to Be Exceptional